"F*ck me Santa, F*ck me Santa!"

Santa here just wanting to wish all the bloggers a very merry christmas and a happy new year.



Warmest Regards,

Santa and Mrs. Santa's sister

(Sheriff and Buttercup)

Double Obits

Some sad news in the Kern household. Got a call on the morning of December 20th informing me that my dad's father, James, died sometime that morning. I have a quasi-eulogy over at my blog.

Efficient as ever, I took the time to do the Altman piece I was promising at the same time. I know that sounds crass, but please go take a look. I think you may be pleasantly surprised and hopefully a little moved.

Happy Holidays,

Kern

DVD's - Transformers - aging Kern

THE DEPARTED hits stores in Febuary (just in time to keep those Oscars wheels a churning!) in two forms. The two-discer above and the single discer below.


I am sure I will buy the 2-disc... but I gotta admit I like the cover of the single better (except for the pic of Leo above... ewwww).


Speaking of covers... look at the Shield Season 5 cover - it is rocking! This was the most amazing stuff of the series!!! And to fuel my love, the show is on sale at Wal-mart for $20 a season... I need to find me $80 to blow!


Finally - (hmmm - I might be the only one waiting for this) the trailer for Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS has arrived. Check it out here.



What? Screw you guys!


To round out things - I missed Kern's birthday wish yesterday... but his editor put up a very nice one over on his blog. Go read and send on some birthday wishes to our favorite Seattle boy.

That's all for today - got work to do.

Yo

It's a sqeaker!

Last night, the Bengels got a womping from the Colts... but more importantly Carson Palmer never threw a touch-down pass. I think I gave myself an ulcer watching that game.

You see - Stevens and I were neck and neck coming into this game - I was a mesely 8 points ahead... and he had Cin's kicker and I had Palmer, the QB. I was pretty confident on the win... but as the game dragged on - I noticed a lack of touchdowns and a barrage of field goals instead!

Luckily I sqeaked by on 4 points - crawling into the final match ups for fantasy football.


The Sheriff came into the game last night tied with Monkey Slappers... and sadly, with a Reggie Wayne TD catch, he saw his dreams of winning the league slip away. Kreitner led the year with points (watching his monster running back L. Tomlinson pull down more than 24 pts every weekend was insane!) but sadly met the Slappers when Drew Breese decided to go nuts and toss TD after TD.

We shed a tear for our boy.


He moves on to play Dan in the consolation final - which is worth $25 and $15 for 3rd and 4th place. Expect Greg to wallop Dan.... sorry Stevens.


The rest of the league has been battling it out for the consolation prize of $15! We will be looking for the total points winner in this bracket.


The big news is that I am definitely coming out ahead (we had to put in $20 to play, I will at least come home with $35 - $100 goes to the top winner) - even though I trickled into the final game. Though, my record rules (I was 11-2 in the season!), I don't expect to pull anything amazing in the final game... Slappers is gonna b*tch slap this Scrot!

Yo

Get In The Spirit WIth A Well Written Review

Hey Damfinofriends. I saw no one posted anything today, so I thought I would put up a little link to my latest piece for the Delorean section at Tiny Mix Tapes. It's my review of James Brown's Funky Christmas, which is a far better record than one would imagine based on the quasi-absurd cover.

Enjoy. I hope.

H & S,

Kern

Live Free or Die... THUD

Ya know, I love DIE HARD! It was really the first pure adult action film that I fell in love with. Listening to Wilis spout off foul mouthed lines like "Yippie-ki-yeah mother f*cker!" and "No f*cking sh*t, lady. Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?" inspired me to be just as foul mouthed - and began my love of the f-word.

DIE HARD 2 was just as fun - "Freedom!" SLAM - "Not yet!" Bloody, exciting, and fun to watch and re-watch.

DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE was a little darker - but still a joy to behold. "Are you aiming for these people?" - "No... Well, maybe that mime."

Bruce Wilis became my favorite leading man (I was loving him on Moonlighting) and the three films served as my go-to picks on those late Saturday nights when a great flick is needed to be viewed (we should have Sheriff re-tell the fantastic tales of drunken DIE HARD/whole chicken eating Saturday nights!!).

Now we have LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD.

Ugh.


I guess the action is there - as seen above - but now it is more... over the top crappy rather than over the top cool. The new director, Len Wisemen, did the Underworld films and this kind of action seems to look similar to the slow motion huge action of those films.

Take a look at the trailer.


I am not too sure about this flick.

One final complaint - I miss Bruce Wilis having hair. Just throw a rug on his head... fake it... this crap looks waaay too much like MERCURY RISING and I almost killed myself watching that flick.

No good... no good.

Yo

Golden Globe noms I can dig!

I have gone on and on about how much I loved Scorsese's new flick THE DEPARTED - and I have also gone on and on about Leo's performance in the film. Well - today the Golden Globe nominations have come out and it's quite a celebration for both Leo and the film!


Leonardo DiCaprio has been nominated for Best Actor in not only THE DEPARTED but also BLOOD DIAMOND! I saw BD this weekend - it was ok, a decent film with major flaws. Leo's performance was amazing though - powerful, exciting to watch and full of surprises (the scene where he skins a baboon was shocking and perfect!).

To be nominated for both films and to be in contention with his own work for Best Actor is quite the accomplishment.


THE DEPARTED also earned nominations for Best Direction (Scorsese), Best Film, and two Best Supporting Actor roles. Here is another shock - Nicholson got a nod but Damon was left swinging out in the breeze...


it was Mark Wahlberg who got a nomination for his role as the bitter Boston Special Ops leader! I didn't see that coming!

For once I feel totally happy with the nominations (granted, this is the Golden Globes... not the Oscars... the Globes are definitely not nearly as respected).

Golden Globe Nominations


I know none of you b@stards actually got out to see THE DEPARTED... maybe this will get you off of your butts!

Yo

Des Moines local does it again - two magazines in one year!

Cara desperately did not want me to post this - but then she realized the readership on the blog is about the size of the attendance of a HANSON revival concert and didn't care.

Cara and Shelley have made it into Workspan magazine - the image above is in the World at Work section (actually, the image they used has the girls running with their eyes closed - the photographer took several pictures - Cara sent me this one).

You might not recall but Cara was also on the cover of the Farm Bureau Annual Report!



I am not sure where her modeling career will take her - but I plan to be the coked-out boyfriend glomming along for the ride (with a sweet K-Fedish rap album to boot).

Yo

"It doesn't matter how big your tree is - it's what you can do with it that counts!"

Ol' Kern forwarded this on to me this weekend. Pure SCURBS gold!! I guess it was made back in 2003 - but I have never seen it!



Enjoy all - Merry Christmas!!


Yo

ATTENTION!!! This had to be posted!!!

This is from the Sly Stallone Q&A ove at AICN.

9. Sly:

No bigger fan here, and I am curious. What was your max on the bench press, squat, etc.? Back in the late 1980s-early-1990s you appeared to look the biggest/most massive.

Kirk

I used to be able to bench press around 385-400 lbs. and then I severely tore my right pectoral so under my arm I have 160 stitches and I had to have a window cut into my shoulder bone, and cable laced through the damage, and muscle pulled back to the bone where it was attached. That’s why I’m so vascular on one side. It might be interesting to note that I received this injury, I was stupid enough to get into a bench press contest with former Mr. Universe, Franco Columbo, who was considered one of the strongest men in the world. The accident happened in his garage, which was inhabited, believe it or not, by this demented-looking one-winged spotted owl. I couldn’t make this up. When my muscle exploded, I fell onto the floor. Franco pulled the weights off of me and all I could see was my arm turning black and that friggin goofy, one-winged, mouse-munching motherf*cker flapping around in tight circles. By the way, my best squat was 550 lbs

HOLY CRAP!!! Sly ripped the sh*t out of his pecs... Guys who get that buff are crazy!!

Devin - take note.

Yo

Tonight... we dine... in HELL!!

The teaser trailer for 300 was pretty damn good - now we have the full trailer... and it continues to look amazing.
trailer

Windows format - Quicktime... I expect everyone to watch it and tell me how brilliant it looks.







Yummy!

Yo

Sly's "crotch tartar"

Ain't It Cool News has been posting Q&A with Sly Stallone all week. Here is the question and answer I have been waiting to hear for my entire life.

9. How and why did you get involved with the 1983 movie "Staying Alive"? Looking back at it now, what would you change about it if anything( it was rated #1 in Entertainment Weekly's Top 25 Worst Sequels Ever Made)? How much influence did you have on Travolta's look for the film?
- Jay Of
Orange, CT

I have to disagree that it’s the worst sequel ever made. It was definitely a lot better than my version of GET CARTER, which caused many people to run out and perform self-inflicted lobotomies.

If I could do STAYING ALIVE over I would make it grittier, more hand-held, John’s clothes baggier, and ban all pastel tank tops. I would’ve added much more of the Bee Gees. But the Bee Gees were very angry with me and refused to do more songs because I put a couple of songs by my brother in the movie. So they basically told me to get lost, but one has to take care of family.

By the way, three hours into that film I knew it was a bad idea for me to direct it. It’s a subject I know very little about and don’t care to learn more about. Dancing is definitely not my strong suit. But I love directing actors in practical locations around New York. That was great.

Also, I didn’t know what to do everyday when the actors would come up and say the Bob Mackie-designed costumes are chafing their erogenous zones into “crotch tartar.”

O - YOUR - GOD!!!!!!

The end of "boyfriend!"

It seems we can finally graspe the major difference in the sea change that is "Gilmore Girls" this season. For the first time ever (even with Daniel Palladino's scribing) we have a strong male perspective on the eratic and often self centered decisions of our girls. Suddenly, Logan is the most complete and understanding character on the show!


Let's start by looking at Chris and Lor's crumbling relationship. Lorelai has always been quite selfish in her choices - running from Max, leaving him the weekend of their wedding - dropping Jason the second he stood up for himself against her father... and dumping Luke because he would not move at her pace (even though he was dealing with having a new daughter he had never met!!!!). But for the first time in the show - the characters are questioning her selfish decisions.

Chris called her out for not wanting to move from Stars Hollow - for not wanting to move forward with a family that he wants to make! Lor was finally given the smackdown that was long overdue. She is completely self absorbed and not willing to let anyone be their own personality - she must reign. Yet she mocks her mother for the same attributes - they just show in different ways (Lor giggles and mocks authority - Emily revels in her upper class world - both demand control of their surroundings).

David Rosenthal is flipping the show on its back - finally giving the male audience a chance to say "STOP BEING A SPOILED B*TCH!!"


As I mentioned, Logan is the most level headed character on the show now. The scene where he finally tells Rory's friend that Marty was in Rory's life is essential to his character. Logan would not lie when asked directly about Rory and Marty - thus making a rift with Rory and her friend. Rory proceeded to rail on Logan for not lying - "How can you be mad at me for telling her the truth. It was the right thing to do." Holy crap!!!

Rory has always used her men - poor Dean and Jess went through several trying moments when professing their love for her and having her look dumb-founded back at them. Here is the first time where her boyfriend is calling her out for her decisions - and we get to side with him!!


The episode ended with more male violence from Rosenthal - he wrote the first episode which ended with Luke heading off to punch Chris. Here an all out brawl took place - fun to watch but very interesting in what is going on.

Both men are struggling to find happiness in their lives - both think Lorelai is the answer. Both guys have their own girls that have been taken away from them... and I think both want Lorelai to help them build a family of their own. Yet, I believe they both see Lor's inability to let go of her independence (did you see how upset she got when Chris insinuated that he had something to do with the greatness that is Rory?) - and overall her drive to end up hurt and alone - with only her daughter's love to comfort her.


What is really interesting about all of this is that Amy Palladino lead us here. I always enjoyed the show's ability to let their lead women make huge mistakes and allow us to witness their faults. I admired this fact - a show that loves its characters, written by a woman, about women - who continually destroy the men that come into their lives. But as the show went on - I saw a sad pattern develop. It seemed that the creator might not know how horrible the choices that her characters made really were to the men in their lives. I mean - Rory destroyed Dean's marriage... yet she continued on to take all that was left of Dean and dropped him to move on to "fun" Logan... all without any signs of true remorse or understanding of what she did to him.

Now steps in David Rosenthal - someone who obviously can mimick the style and feel of Palladino - and is dealing with the mess that she left - but now is beginning to mold a more rounded show. One where everyones decisions/choices and there effects on others can and will be pointed out to our girls.


Does this mean he is watering down the series - or making it far more 3-dimensional? You tell me.

Yo

Guy Love

Good ol' Zach Braff has posted a clip from the upcoming musical episode of Scrubs. YEEEEHHAAAAA!

Greg - don't you realize you are my chocolate bear - but more of a vanilla dream than chocolate. Watch the video and embrace our Guy Love!


What?

Yo

"Knit or go home!"

I finally got to view Tuesday's Gilmore Girls last night - it was gold!! The opening had the Gilmore's playing Lor's message that she and Christopher had gotten married. I was dying!!

The man-date with Jackson was great stuff too - Lor going through Chris' outfit explaining why he couldn't wear it... oof!


Then we jumped into the Knitathon storyline... if you don't know, Cara knits... and she was knitting while we watched it... this... killed... me!!!! Lorelai's shirt!!! The whole setup... just hilarious!


I hope you all are watching - the show is definitely doing well with the situation it has been left in. Luke finally got to do some yelling at April's mother (who does not get pissed when an ex brings you a daughter that you never knew you had.. and she is in middle school!?!?) - and next week's fight looks like fun!

Love the girls....


Scrubs was pretty good - the guys decked out like patients was extremely lame... but tons of good lines!

"Welcome home, Perry, here's the new program. You occasionally lift a finger with Jack, and I'm going to try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that has made my ass so big that I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee 800 times a day."
"I'm carrying Underwood right now."
"Have there been other penises?"
"Your sarcasm is wasted on me, you giant pregnant beast."
"I have seen Les Mis over a dozen times, so I have nothing against queens, per se. In fact my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys."
"This song always gets me. My brother was killed by a Funky Cold Medina."

Yo