Thursday, September 21, 2006

God Told Me To Blog

I heard from God today. That's right friends, God came down into my shower this morning and spoke to me.

He said "Deit. I have a message for the world, and I want you to be my messenger."

I said, "Jeez God, couldn't you have at least waited until I was done yanking off?"

And God replied unto me, "What, like I haven't seen that before? What part of omnipresent do you not get?"

And I said to God, "You know, that's actually kind of disturbing. I mean seriously .. all the time??? Are you seriously that bored?"

And God said, "Not the point. Now you intrrupted my train of thought. Oh right, Deit ... I am sending you forth today to save the Damfinoblog!"

And I said unto the Lord, "But God I have tried!" I submitted an entry yesterday that I thought was quite funny, and nothing."

And the Lord said unto me, "Deit, you must blog again. You must tell them it is My will that people blog! The whole of human creation exists to this point so that the Damfinoblog could exist. You must save the blog for the fate of neglect that Satan has planned for it!"

And I said, "Yes Lord! I understand!! I will write on the blog today!! I will tell them all that the Damfinoblog must be saved!! I will go on a hunger strike until people are posting on the blog daily again!!!"

And the Lord said, "Yeah, about that idea, I'm thinking that might encourage them to leave."

And I said, "What if I tell them that you will kill me in 30 days if I don't raise 40 million dollars to save the blog?"

And God said, "Um ... no. Why don't you just keep posting to the blog until people get tired of you and they blog themselves!"

And said, "I will do it Lord!! I will annoy them like only I can!!! I will save the blog though annoying posts!!!!"

And then the presense of the Lord left me. So here I am fulfilling the will of God!!

Either that, or I ate some bad yogurt this morning, and I'm just posting based on some really good hulicinations.


Kern said...

Based on the early part of the post, are you sure that was yogurt? Maybe it was psyllosybic spunk.

Deit Heimley said...

Isn't that sort of the same thing??

Kern said...

It may be the case that I don't know enough about spunk to make an informed statement on the matter...

Sheriff Officer Greg the Bunny said...

That is Kern's problem with dating...his low spunk count.

Let go of the tighty whities Kern.

Let the boxers flow.


ps: welcome back Deit. this place has tunred into a void of filth.

Deit Heimley said...

Actually Sheriff, I like to keep the boys high dry and inside -- safe and protected from the elements and stray cats. So I actually look for very snug tighty whities. Like Prince Albert, I like the look of clean lines when I wear my tight ass-hugging pants -- as opposed to the manmal toe some guys can get. It may lower the sperm count, but it does not lower the amount of overall spunk. Which is OK as long as you are not looking to reproduce that week.

Kern said...

Sheriff-For the record, I have been a boxer man since I was 14. And I would say that a low spunk count is the least of my dating problems. I actually went on a date today, and I don't think it went very well. It only lasted 45 minutes, and she kind was like "Well, it was nice to meet you" when I left. I don't think she dug me at all.